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Her call rings all over the streets of sin,
Echoing seduction and carnal greeds,
Trespassing on the grounds of morals thin,
Offering earthen bliss by earthen deeds,

Curious young lads and gentlemen groomed,
Struck by whims of lust and her beckoning,
With their conscience dead and innocence doomed,
Drown lifelong self worth in moment's sinning,

Her embrace of fake love and false passion,
And the cadenza of her falling breath,
Perfected by routine and profession,
Conceives demons off innocence's death,

A harlot by deed, yet noble by heart,
Burdened by sin's blame, while sinners depart.
Another sonnet I wrote, picturing a harlot and the prejudices of sinning that are held against her, whilst her heart is noble and out of the clutches of the monks of misanthropy that grope through their veil of humanity into the murky depths of masochism...

***

I thank :iconxinsomniakydx: for the feaure here [link] :)
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:iconhalfmoon66:
halfmoon66 Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
not a sonnet
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:iconadrianeisley:
adrianeisley Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2010   Writer
Interesting tone! It's kind of detached professionalism...I got the impression of a disease or sickness that lies dormant...or something to that effect.

If you're looking to perfect meter as you previously commented, the sonnet is typically written in iambic pentameter, where most of the beginnings of the lines are trochees. I don't mind so much the spondees (fake love) but I'd convert the general gist to iambs.

As for punctuation, beware of the comma splices! Your entire poem is one sentence separated by only commas. The first stanza can be a sentence, for example, a semicolon can go at the end of line six and a period at the end of line eight. With the breaking up of the sentences the reader is not given the impression that it's a mightily long rant.

In certain areas the tone is different, and I'm not entirely sure of the reasons. Ex: "all over the streets of sin" (1). That is quite colloquial juxtaposed to the eloquent, fluid language of "whims of lust and her beckoning" (6). The former one might here in everyday speech, where the latter is more refined and sophisticated. Also, whenever possible, I like to omit pronouns, because they're unnecessary filler words that the English language tends to love. Ex: "cadenza of her falling breath" (10). The "her" is already indicated by the "her" in the preceding line, so it's obvious it's her breath. I would throw in a stimulating adjective to describe her falling breath. Is it like _______? Oh and "innocence's" is overly sibilant, I find.

In the last line you describe her as noble, but I don't get the impression that she is noble in the poem...I see that men fall for her and give up their lives for her, but that doesn't make her noble. Give the reader a reason to believe her noble and acting out of duty and not volition.

Overall, quite a well-achieved poem. I'd try to incorporate imagery. You utilize much abstractions, which are the ideas which cannot be empirically grasped...such as "innocence," "seduction," or "greed." What is tangible are"crayon," "lips," or "gold."
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2010
Thank you so much for the detailed analysis. It means so much for me that you put in the effort to make it. :hug:

I am firstly glad that you like the theme I tried to portray. :w00t:

Now for the meter, I did attempt to write in Iambic Pentameter, but the thing is I am disastrously confused between the Iambs and the Trochees. Sometime's I just cannot isolate a pair of syllables to fall under one of the two. Am working my way to rectify the error, for I HAVE to rid it.

Thank you for pointing out the fallacy regarding the commas. I will keep that in mind. I should have paid more heed to the spacing out of punctuations. My bad. :blush:

The line "all over the streets of sin" can definitely be traced to colloquial origins, but to be honest, I intended it that way. Maybe a more sophisticated versification would more befit the nuances of sonnets, but I could not convince myself enough.
The pronoun is indeed redundant and I could do with using an adjective as you point out. Thanks for that. :)

Her being noble at heart is what I intended, although her deeds may not be so, but that is more due to compulsion and helplessness, as being forced into the profession. I may have elaborated more on the reason I called her noble but then decided for the reader to look beyond what's written and find a greater meaning in the emotion associated which I in all my impunity cannot versify.

I shall definitely involve more imagery wherever I can. I could not think up of more imagery while I wrote this verse, maybe if I rewrote, I could imbibe some. Lets see.

Thanks a lot again, mate. :highfive:
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:iconadrianeisley:
adrianeisley Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2010   Writer
To practice iambic pentameter, I simply rapidly write lines in it. Do not worry about what you write, but that it is in iambic pentameter. Read each one aloud (while writing) and then write another one. The virtue of such exercise is not function, but form. It can be as simple as " I saw the dog o'erleap the fox." With pressing oneself to write in a meter rapidly, the process and rhythm of thinking in meter naturally impresses itself into one's brain.

Yes, I think a slightly more elevated tone would fit the line.

I think a little bit more help (the "aha!") would be appreciated, in essence.
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010
I am doing the same, as of now. Getting a required degree of fluency in it. And for the records, your first line, is also a couplet in Iambic Pentameter. :lol: Not perfect, for it was not intended, I believe. :)

As for your last part of the comment, I could not quite fathom it. Could you please elaborate?
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:iconadrianeisley:
adrianeisley Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010   Writer
What do you mean couplet in my first line? I'm confused.

In the last part, I was talking about the idea that she was noble at heart. I was saying that more hints would be appreciated :).
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010
"To practice iambic pentameter, I simply rapidly write lines in it"
:lol:
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:iconadrianeisley:
adrianeisley Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010   Writer
But what couplet? That's not a couplet... o_o.
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010
Rhetorical statement. Forget it.
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(1 Reply)
:iconobsidian-nightfall:
Obsidian-Nightfall Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2010  Student Writer
Superb, well done...
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2010
Thank you. :)
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:iconobsidian-nightfall:
Obsidian-Nightfall Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2010  Student Writer
My pleasure...
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:iconxinsomniakydx:
xinsomniakydx Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2010  Student General Artist
[link] :heart:

Because you and your poem is amazing.. :nod:
So... Deserved to be here... :aww:
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010
Thank you SO much... :heart: :huggle:
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:iconxinsomniakydx:
xinsomniakydx Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2010  Student General Artist
:huggle: you are always welcome :aww:
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2010
:hug: :D:D:D
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:iconshirly90:
shirly90 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
The last stanza is very well written,and of course I liked the last lines a lot(italics).

Good Job.. :) :clap:
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2010
Thank you SO much. Am glad you do.
The last 2 lines are called the "Volta" of the sonnet... :)
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:iconshirly90:
shirly90 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
You're SO welcome :) :hug:

Ah... .. I didn't know that. :)
I don't know much about sonnets but liked the thought you put in.

:)
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2010
No problem. Even I didn't know that till I myself started writing sonnets.

Although its the thought that matters. But glad you liked it nonetheless... :hug: :woohoo:
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:iconshirly90:
shirly90 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2010  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
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:iconthe-poets-of-blah:
the-poets-of-blah Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2010
I have read it, and I an stunned by your talent for words (as I was the last time.)

First thing I notice when reading the first stanza is that you use a metre which I would describe as : long-short-long-short.
You continue to use this throughout the second stanza, and I had to adapt to enjoy it, but it works extremely well when you are used to it.

However, the third stanza and the volta are very different. The flow is excellent in these parts, which made me read faster and faster.

As :iconheart-defectant-art: said, it feels really complete, like the end of a chapter.

Well done, it was beautiful to read.
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2010
Thanks a lot.

I am trying to perfect the iambic pentameter. Am glad you liked the verse though. I do spend the most of my cognitive faculties to come up with a good volta, and I settled for this one, among a few I had in mind, for to me it stood out the best.

:w00t: Thanks a lot again for the appreciation man. :bow:
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:iconheart-defectant-art:
heart-defectant-art Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2010  Student General Artist
I enjoyed reading this.

I like the first stanza, I don't feel that neither the first nor any other stanza Is forced although I could dare say In some places a better choice of words would have been best sought out.

The first stanza has a good rhyme Which made for a better rhythm. I like the choice of words; sin, thin, greeds, deeds; All lead to an intriguing and smooth finish.

"Offering earthen bliss by earthen deeds,"
What do you mean by earthen, What Is the word in relationship to bliss and deeds? Puzzlement crossed my mind when I read this part of the sonnet.

I don't quite like the the use of beckoning and sinning together, although they have the same end, ing, I felt it created somewhat of an awkward atmosphere, yet with the rest of the stanza as a whole, they fit in creating transition; But the words alone, I don't feel fit in relationship to each other.

I have to say, the last stanza Is my favorite. It was well thought out, the choice of words an impeccable, smooth and polished way to partually end the sonnet before hitting the italics.

And as for the Italics, they left me in great finality; I was left feeling that the sonnet was offered in great completeness, and nothing was left out. All in all a great read =D thank you for sharing it.
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2010
:wow: I'm really glad you liked the sonnet. Your words humble me and at the same time leave me elated. Thank you SO much.

As for the part regarding :Earthen bliss by earthen deeds", the imagery I fostered in mind was that the bliss is earthen, a kind of carnal avarice, and it is fulfilled by the indulgence in an equally earthen act. The pleasures are mortal and very corporal. That is what I meant.

I apologise for the awkwardness created by "beckoning" and "sinning", and do agree I could have had a better choice of words, but assure you that shall come as I write more. :)

The 3rd stanza struck you well also makes me glad, right before the Volta. And trust me the volta took me as much time as did the rest of the verse. So am glad you enjoyed it. :hug:

Thanks a lot for your comment. It means a LOT to me... :w00t: :heart: :huggle:
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:iconli1121:
li1121 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2010  Student Writer
The word "o'er" is actually pronounced as "or", as it's a reduced version of the word "over" for the specific literary purpose of eliminating the second syllable... So it doesn't make much sense to add that syllable back in there :P And thus, the first line is a syllable short of 10.

The descriptions throughout feel a good bit forced, maybe even over-done. Things like "carnal greeds", "earthen deeds", and all the like throughout are too complex to fit nicely within the rest of the work, and it makes the work seem pretentious. The key to writing is eloquent simplicity - make something simple shine :)

The meter is a bit off all over the place...so that may be why the flow is kind of fragmented and not so fluent.

But overall, not bad. :D
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2010
Thanks for your analysis.

I corrected the "O'er" fallacy.
As for the description, I personally feel what I wrote is the truth in words, and did not invent details or feelings, which would have been forced.
My bad, but I do not find "carnal greeds" or "earthen deeds" to be complex phrases whatsoever. It may have appealed to you as a pretentious write, for which I apologise not having struck the poet within you with what we poets believe to be fluent and natural.
But then again, simplicity is a matter of opinion and comparing William Blake and William Shakespeare too would be a raging battle of opinion regarding simplicity and eloquence of thought.

The constraints of the sonnet denuded me of the freedom (in my limitations ofcourse) to write about everything in detail and also keep it fluent. I could have written another form of poetry but nay, I prefer sonnets too much to do that.

I still look ahead to perfecting the meter.

Thank you so much once again... :)
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:iconli1121:
li1121 Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2010  Student Writer
No worries. :D Professional opinion, one writer to another. Still miles beyond anything on dA. :)
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2010
Am glad you take the pains of writing such a detailed comment, my friend... It is HIGHLY appreciated...
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