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April 8, 2010
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Her call rings all over the streets of sin,
Echoing seduction and carnal greeds,
Trespassing on the grounds of morals thin,
Offering earthen bliss by earthen deeds,

Curious young lads and gentlemen groomed,
Struck by whims of lust and her beckoning,
With their conscience dead and innocence doomed,
Drown lifelong self worth in moment's sinning,

Her embrace of fake love and false passion,
And the cadenza of her falling breath,
Perfected by routine and profession,
Conceives demons off innocence's death,

A harlot by deed, yet noble by heart,
Burdened by sin's blame, while sinners depart.
Another sonnet I wrote, picturing a harlot and the prejudices of sinning that are held against her, whilst her heart is noble and out of the clutches of the monks of misanthropy that grope through their veil of humanity into the murky depths of masochism...

***

I thank :iconxinsomniakydx: for the feaure here [link] :)
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:iconhalfmoon66:
halfmoon66 Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
not a sonnet
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:iconadrianeisley:
adrianeisley Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2010   Writer
Interesting tone! It's kind of detached professionalism...I got the impression of a disease or sickness that lies dormant...or something to that effect.

If you're looking to perfect meter as you previously commented, the sonnet is typically written in iambic pentameter, where most of the beginnings of the lines are trochees. I don't mind so much the spondees (fake love) but I'd convert the general gist to iambs.

As for punctuation, beware of the comma splices! Your entire poem is one sentence separated by only commas. The first stanza can be a sentence, for example, a semicolon can go at the end of line six and a period at the end of line eight. With the breaking up of the sentences the reader is not given the impression that it's a mightily long rant.

In certain areas the tone is different, and I'm not entirely sure of the reasons. Ex: "all over the streets of sin" (1). That is quite colloquial juxtaposed to the eloquent, fluid language of "whims of lust and her beckoning" (6). The former one might here in everyday speech, where the latter is more refined and sophisticated. Also, whenever possible, I like to omit pronouns, because they're unnecessary filler words that the English language tends to love. Ex: "cadenza of her falling breath" (10). The "her" is already indicated by the "her" in the preceding line, so it's obvious it's her breath. I would throw in a stimulating adjective to describe her falling breath. Is it like _______? Oh and "innocence's" is overly sibilant, I find.

In the last line you describe her as noble, but I don't get the impression that she is noble in the poem...I see that men fall for her and give up their lives for her, but that doesn't make her noble. Give the reader a reason to believe her noble and acting out of duty and not volition.

Overall, quite a well-achieved poem. I'd try to incorporate imagery. You utilize much abstractions, which are the ideas which cannot be empirically grasped...such as "innocence," "seduction," or "greed." What is tangible are"crayon," "lips," or "gold."
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2010
Thank you so much for the detailed analysis. It means so much for me that you put in the effort to make it. :hug:

I am firstly glad that you like the theme I tried to portray. :w00t:

Now for the meter, I did attempt to write in Iambic Pentameter, but the thing is I am disastrously confused between the Iambs and the Trochees. Sometime's I just cannot isolate a pair of syllables to fall under one of the two. Am working my way to rectify the error, for I HAVE to rid it.

Thank you for pointing out the fallacy regarding the commas. I will keep that in mind. I should have paid more heed to the spacing out of punctuations. My bad. :blush:

The line "all over the streets of sin" can definitely be traced to colloquial origins, but to be honest, I intended it that way. Maybe a more sophisticated versification would more befit the nuances of sonnets, but I could not convince myself enough.
The pronoun is indeed redundant and I could do with using an adjective as you point out. Thanks for that. :)

Her being noble at heart is what I intended, although her deeds may not be so, but that is more due to compulsion and helplessness, as being forced into the profession. I may have elaborated more on the reason I called her noble but then decided for the reader to look beyond what's written and find a greater meaning in the emotion associated which I in all my impunity cannot versify.

I shall definitely involve more imagery wherever I can. I could not think up of more imagery while I wrote this verse, maybe if I rewrote, I could imbibe some. Lets see.

Thanks a lot again, mate. :highfive:
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:iconadrianeisley:
adrianeisley Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2010   Writer
To practice iambic pentameter, I simply rapidly write lines in it. Do not worry about what you write, but that it is in iambic pentameter. Read each one aloud (while writing) and then write another one. The virtue of such exercise is not function, but form. It can be as simple as " I saw the dog o'erleap the fox." With pressing oneself to write in a meter rapidly, the process and rhythm of thinking in meter naturally impresses itself into one's brain.

Yes, I think a slightly more elevated tone would fit the line.

I think a little bit more help (the "aha!") would be appreciated, in essence.
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010
I am doing the same, as of now. Getting a required degree of fluency in it. And for the records, your first line, is also a couplet in Iambic Pentameter. :lol: Not perfect, for it was not intended, I believe. :)

As for your last part of the comment, I could not quite fathom it. Could you please elaborate?
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:iconadrianeisley:
adrianeisley Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010   Writer
What do you mean couplet in my first line? I'm confused.

In the last part, I was talking about the idea that she was noble at heart. I was saying that more hints would be appreciated :).
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010
"To practice iambic pentameter, I simply rapidly write lines in it"
:lol:
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:iconadrianeisley:
adrianeisley Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010   Writer
But what couplet? That's not a couplet... o_o.
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:iconsiddhartha19:
siddhartha19 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2010
Rhetorical statement. Forget it.
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(1 Reply)
:iconobsidian-nightfall:
Obsidian-Nightfall Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2010  Student Writer
Superb, well done...
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